Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.   Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry  cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they’ll even decorate it for you

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant ‘fix-me-up.’

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too bad. Please recite with me the real woman’s motto: ‘I made it, you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes!’

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery?  Never heard of it!

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a  beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over  the crust, so I don’t

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.  The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!   All your pains go away!

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy

Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you

Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Left over wine???????????    HELLO!!!!!!!

Lastly, if you don’t forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.  Really… it’s true!  Have I ever lied to you?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem? ‘

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry:
’9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry:
’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment:
‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry:
‘Pants.’

Ms.
Brooks: ‘What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?’

Harry:
‘Coconut.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks:
‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three       legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry:
‘Firetruck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher:

‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…..’

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.  Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”